Self-Regulation—6 Simple Steps to Empower Your Child

Welcome to Part 3 (of 4) of the Brain-Friendly Ways to Good Behavior series.

Have you ever been in public when your child had a meltdown over something someone said or did that you didn’t see coming?

Has your child interrupted conversations as if he didn’t even notice people had been talking?

Does your child get impatient easily or have trouble waiting her turn?

Does your child tend to get loud or physical when excited?

These are all things kids can learn to control by practicing self-regulation. In turn, they will do a better job of getting their needs met and enjoy more rewarding relationships.

The Psychology Dictionary: Professional Reference website defines self-regulation as how we control our behavior by self-monitoring desires as well as the desirable behavior.

It’s all about self-control and self-management.

Teaching kids about self-regulation helps them become conscious of their own emotions and physical energy as well as those of others.

Remember, our brains are programmed to keep us safe.

Sensitive children often find out very young that if they take a big action—throw a toy, jump around and run into you when excited, yell or scream when something startles or frustrates them—they will get their parents’ immediate attention—and their needs met.

As kids get older, these behaviors become more unpleasant and less acceptable, yet they have become habits.

The good news is we can empower our kids to STOP, THINK, and RESPOND (STR) in 6 simple steps.

Don’t get me wrong; helping kids become conscious of their feelings and practicing new behaviors takes time.

Still, if you follow the 6 steps below, you’ll not only give your child a powerful gift, you’ll enjoy each other a lot more.

Your son or daughter will have much more satisfying relationships with others too.

6 Simple Steps to Empower Your Child to STOP, THINK, and RESPOND (STR) for Self-Regulation (children ages 4 and above)

1. Explain what self-regulation is to your child in a kid-friendly way. Be enthusiastic. Say something like:

“You’re big enough now to practice some things that will help you make good choices about your behavior. Hooray!”

2. Point out the benefits of learning to recognize feelings and decide how to respond (i.e. self-regulation) rather than reacting without thinking.

Focus on how learning self-regulation will make your child happier, and offer benefits according to age and maturity.

For instance, if your child can only follow one direction consistently (usually ages 4 to 6 but varies), only focus on one reason learning to pay attention to feelings and choose how to respond will put a smile on his face. As you practice, you can review the first reason and add a second, and so on.

If your child can follow two or more directions (around age 7 or older), you can offer two ways self-regulation will make his life better when you start this process, and then add as you go.

Some example dialogue to get you started:

“You know how adults hurt your feelings sometimes when they speak to you in a sharp tone of voice? We can’t make other people talk to us differently, but we can control our own behavior. When you learn how to train your brain to notice what you’re feeling so you can choose what you do next, you’ll hear sharp tones a LOT less often.”

“You’ll get along so much better with other kids when you learn how to train your brain to notice what you’re feeling so you can choose a positive way to respond.”

Note: Give specific examples of people your child will be able to deal with better in social situations—friends, cousins, siblings, or neighbors. The more concrete and clear you can make incentives to learn self-regulation, the more likely your child will be motivated to learn to manage his behavior.

“You know how sometimes (give an example of how your child reacts in situations rather than stopping to think and respond, and people, in turn, react in a negative way) and you get nervous and upset? When you learn how to train your brain to notice what you’re feeling so you can choose how to respond, you won’t get as stressed. You’ll be able to learn WAY easier because your brain will be able to focus on learning instead of being upset.”

And the ultimate reason to learn how to recognize emotions and respond:

“You’re a really powerful kid—you just don’t know it yet. Learning these things will help you discover your personal power and give you more confidence in every situation.”

3. Teach your child to notice an emotion and STOP, before the emotion can take over.

Many kids have trouble waiting. They get excited—and react. They get frustrated—and react. They have a thought or question—and blurt it out, repeatedly until they get a response.

Recognize your child’s triggers, things that spur erratic behavior (if you haven’t already).

Practice taking a deep breath.

During your first talk about learning to recognize emotions and make choices, pose pretend scenarios that can trigger your child’s erratic behavior.

Ask how she feels with each scenario—excited, angry, frustrated—and help her notice sensations in her body (her teeth or fists clench, maybe energy pops her to her feet). Then practice breathing together rather than reacting to the feeling.

(It may help to inhale to the count of 4 and exhale to the count of 4.)

In real life, if your child is comfortable with touch, when a trigger occurs, distract her with a gentle hand on a shoulder, or stroke the back of her neck. Then take a deep breath together.

Example triggers: Someone picks up her toy without asking, you don’t respond immediately when she bounces over with a request, someone new walks into the room, she wins (or loses) a game.

Just this one thing—learning to stop and take a breath—can make all the difference in your child’s journey to managing her own behavior.

4. Play some games that will give your child a chance to practice waiting.

Patience is an under-developed skill for a lot of children (and adults too). These physical games will help. You’ll likely recognize these activities from when you were a kid. Notice you must practice waiting in all of them.

              Red-light, Green-light

Mother May I?

Simon Says

Freeze Dance (turn on music for kids to dance, hit stop, players freeze)

Try this workout by Raising an Extraordinary Person at hes-extraordinary.com.

Though this site helps parents of exceptional children, this quick workout is great for ALL kids.

Not only are the activities fun, studies show that exercise improves mood, memory, attention, and learning. This little routine also helps kids focus and develops gross motor coordination.

The workout only takes 7 minutes, and if you get your child in the habit of doing this in the mornings, you’ll prime his brain for learning for the rest of the day!

5. Teach your child to THINK after she STOPs (breathes) when she notices a sudden emotion. 

Once your child takes a breath, brainstorm together different ways the situation could be handled. Keep it light and funny. Be silly about over-the-top crazy reactions that you exaggerate to make her laugh.

Come up with ideas together until the two of you arrive at a few positive responses to the situation.

6. Ask your child to RESPOND the way he thinks is best—and see what happens.

No matter what decision your child makes, the outcome will be a teachable moment.

Give lots of kudos for your child’s STOP, THINK, and RESPOND (STR) process. Point out how his choice affected him as well as the other people involved—hopefully in a good way.

If his response didn’t go so well, ask what he thinks about his choice. He’ll likely tell you what went wrong and what he needs to differently next time—though he may need a bit of coaching.

Remember, STR will take some practice as with any new skill, but within a couple of weeks, you’ll see some wonderfully positive changes in your child’s behavior as well as a boost in confidence.

If you found this post helpful, please use the share buttons and tell your friends!

Best wishes on your parenting journey,

Trish Wilkinson, Co-author

Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It, K-5