Welcome to Part 1 (of 4) in the Brain-Friendly Ways to Good Behavior series.
I sure wish we’d had the information parents have access to these days about how children’s brains function and learn. New studies are published almost daily.
Our girls had to deal with a lot of trial and error when it came to their dad’s and my ways of dealing with them, especially when their behavior seemed to get out of hand.
Gratefully, as young adults, our girls seem to have forgiven our mistakes along the way. Don’t get me wrong, we came up with a lot of positive, effective ways to get them through social and emotional issues. We just seemed to go through a clueless, ineffective period before we’d figure out how to help them.
Nowadays, science tells us that the hippocampus, a small organ in each of the temporal lobes of the brain, in both the left and right hemispheres, forms a critical part of the limbic system. That’s the cluster in the center of the brain that regulates emotions and long-term memory (it’s a big shot in the learning department).
Interestingly, school-age kids who get consistent guidelines, sleep, exercise, and nutrition grow a larger hippocampus than those who don’t (Simmons et al. 2017).
The brain is also hardwired for survival. Stress and fear generate cortisol and adrenaline, two hormones that help us get out of the way of an oncoming car but impede learning. Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence, explains it this way, “Cortisol stimulates the amygdala while it impairs the hippocampus, forcing our attention onto the emotions we feel, while restricting our ability to take in new information” (2006, 273–74).
The amygdala is the almond-shaped knob on the underside of the cluster responsible for processing emotions. The size of this area is proportional to the amount of stress in kids’ lives: the safer they feel, the smaller the area. Those kids with smaller amygdalas tend to show more conscientious behaviors and openness to new experiences (Matsudaira et al. 2016).
In a secure household—one with clear rules, a willingness to chat, and a sense of humor—children develop a healthy “fight or flight” response that keeps their hands out of the fireplace but gives them confidence and willingness to try new things.
In addition, moms and dads who have regular two-way conversations with their kids stimulate two parts of the brain—the Broca’s and Wernicke’s areas—which work together to boost language abilities. Parents are powerful, and sometimes it’s simple—if you have lots of conversations with your child, you will give him a huge learning advantage, regardless of his IQ (Romeo et al. 2018).
Likewise, parents’ marital status, socioeconomic status, and education don’t matter as much as you might think. According to Pat Jones (2016), teacher of more than 35 years and owner of the website Teacher Support Force, an online resource for educators using brain research to guide curriculum, “[Parents] don’t even have to have a high school education. Just talking to your kids and answering their questions will develop their vocabulary and language skills.”
You can rest assured that your child’s brain development is not affected by whether you are single or married, drive a Mercedes or a jalopy, live in a mansion or an apartment in the projects. Talking with your child fosters a good relationship as well as creates and connects neural pathways.
Be a good listener and try not to be quick to judge. The more kids trust you to guide with a loving, gentle hand, the more teachable moments you will enjoy together. (Above adapted from Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It, K–5, p. 6-8)
5 Ways to Get Quick Cooperation from Your Kids
- Get kids’ physical needs met, and they’ll behave better.
Have you ever picked up a grumpy kid from school or a friend’s house? They must be tired, right?
Sometimes that’s the case, but often kids get dehydrated. Too much time between glasses of water not only makes kids irritable, it can even cause stomach cramps or headaches (Kenny et al 2015).
Grouchy kids are often hungry too.
The next time you pick up your kids, show up with a water bottle and a healthy snack.
Bring some mixed nuts, cut veggies, or fresh fruit—something with dense nutrition that their bodies can use to refuel. See if the ride home, or to your next appointment, isn’t downright pleasant.
Sleep is a big one too. We get impatient and irritable when we haven’t gotten enough sleep, right? School-age kids need 9 to 11 hours per night. In my house, there always seemed to be a direct correlation between sleep and how well my kids would listen and cooperate.
If your child has trouble sleeping and you have a copy of Brain Stages, check out “Getting Enough Much Needed Delta Waves” on pages 17-19 for 11 suggestions to help kids sleep. You might find that one or two of them will work for the adults in your life too.
Kids who get enough exercise keep their brains working at top performance, they think and sleep better, and they have a sunnier outlook.
It shouldn’t be a surprise that children who work up a sweat for an hour, cumulatively over the course of a day, tend to also be more cooperative with their parents when reminded to do a chore or follow screen time rules (Hillman et al 2014).
In other words, if your kids are less cooperative than you would like, try making sure they drink enough water, eat fruits, veggies, and nuts for lunch and snacks, and they get adequate exercise and sleep. All of these physical needs work together to improve kids’ moods and the willingness to listen to their parents.
- Acknowledge your child’s emotions before correcting behavior—even when he’s snapped at you, deliberately defied, or ignored you. Why?
Children react before they think. Emotions come first. Remember, their brains are all about survival, and their neural pathways are still forming and getting reinforced. When kids feel threatened, adrenaline and cortisol, the stress hormones, get released (Goleman 2006).
Their lower brain that controls bodily functions and instinct respond to stimuli, so they can’t think things through. Higher level thinking, logic of any kind, is still being developed in the prefrontal and frontal lobes of the brain, and those areas seem to completely shut off when we get stressed.
I’m not saying you should allow your child to walk all over you and be disrespectful. Far from it. I’m saying to meet your child where she is to disarm her first so her higher-level thinking can kick in.
Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson, authors of The Whole Brain Child say it this way:
[T]he behaviors and skills we want our kids to demonstrate, like sound decision making, control of their emotions and bodies, empathy, self-understanding, and morality, are dependent on a part of their brain that hasn’t fully developed yet. Since the upstairs brain is still under construction . . . it can’t [always] work with the downstairs brain and consistently work at its best (2012, pgs. 42, 43).
To relax your child so she can engage higher thinking, you might have a conversation something like this:
You: “Okay, honey. You have five more minutes before we need you to clean up your artwork so you can set the table for dinner.” (It’s good to prepare kids for the next change.)
Your child: Ignores you, keeps coloring.
You: “Please respond so I know you heard me.”
Child: “OKAY!”
You: “Yow. Are you upset about something?”
Child: “I just wanna draw!”
You: “You must really be into that project.” You turn off the stove or whatever you need to do to walk over to the table. “Wow, look at the details you included in that house you’re drawing. Hey, is that our house?”
Child: “Yeah, you like it?” Your child looks up at you.
You: “Yes, I can see why this picture is important to you. You’ve worked really hard on it. But can you think of a nicer way you could have responded to my 5-minute warning?”
Child whining: “But I want to finish it.”
You: “I admire how hard you’re working on this, AND it’s time to clean up so we can eat dinner. As soon as you clear the table after dinner, you can put on the finishing touches.” You stroke your child’s back. “Now, how are you going to answer me the next time I give you the 5-minute warning?”
Child: “I’ll just say okay and clean up.”
You: “That sounds great. And what do you need to say to me for snapping at me like that?”
Child: “Sorry. I’ll be nice next time.”
You: “I know you will.” You put your arms around your child. “I love you.”
Child: “I love you too.”
The oven timer was a super useful tool in our house. It kept me from losing track of the minutes and was an objective source for helping our often distracted kids get through their homework and making transitions from one activity to the next.
- Set expectations ahead of time and be consistent.
School age kids have a lot to think about with all they’re learning in every aspect of their lives. If they know what you expect of them—what chores to do, how to respectfully ask for permission, the behavior expected when starting the day, at meals, and at bedtime—your children will have the freedom to pretend and create, to grow socially, emotionally, and physically within the secure parameters you’ve set together (Simmons et al 2017).
A “sort-of” routine that is inconsistent, where kids aren’t sure about their role in the family and how they’re supposed to behave causes stress (yep, more cortisol gets released and engages the lower brain—safety first, remember?).
You may have noticed that when your schedule gets too full, or too many unexpected changes happen in a day, your kids whine, get edgy, and misbehave.
Kids NEED you to set boundaries. Children who have consistent rules and routines are more secure than those who don’t because they’re more comfortable in their environment.
In fact, research shows that consistent rules and a steady routine reduce stress and allow space in the day for the important things—like unstructured play and impromptu conversations. Not only do regular routines help kids get their needs met—like adequate sleep and nutrition, kids who grow up with consistent rules become more productive, successful members of society (Kitsaras et al 2018).
- Involve your kids in creating rules and defining the consequences for breaking them, appropriate to the infraction.
You may even want to post those rules and consequences on the refrigerator or the family bulletin board. Children who engage with their families to come up with rules that will benefit everyone can more easily take responsibility for breaking a pre-established rule.
Instead of declaring your child will be skipping screen time for a week, you only need to ask a question. Something like:
“Uh oh. You’re playing a video game before homework. What happens now?”
Your child knew the rule and will tell YOU he won’t be playing games on the computer for a week. But tests are inevitable and important. He needs to know his boundaries are secure.
- Help your kids understand and manage their emotions.
Have you read the posts in the Brain Stages EQ series on teaching kids about empathy and personal power? Once kids start paying attention to how they feel about things, they begin to notice cues about the emotions of others. Eventually, their confidence builds as people they respect—their parents, grandparents, other family members, teachers, and caregivers—point out their strengths and discuss how to make moral decisions.
But helping children understand their own emotions so they can deal with strong feelings that arise requires adults to clarify their own personal power first.
Helping your kids with their emotions is sort of like the flight attendant in an airplane instructing you in an emergency to put on your own oxygen mask first before securing your children’s masks. Focusing on your children’s power before coming to terms with your own could cause all of you to crash into some painful experiences. (See EQ Part 5: Teach Kids About Personal Power)
The idea is to walk your kids through emotional situations that happen at school or at a friend’s house, step-by-step.
- Ask questions to help your child process personal emotions as well as empathize with the emotions of the other person or people involved.
- Point out your child’s strengths as well as how they may relate to aspects of a situation that may elude him.
- Keep in mind that kids are super sensitive. Be kind and patient or you’ll kick in the lower brain. Fight or flight will take over, and you’ll have a defensive kid on your hands. Then you’ll have to disarm nature’s survival reflex and start over reasoning with the thinking parts of your child’s brain.
Realize that developing emotional intelligence is a gradual process. Each time you talk through experiences, your child will get closer to being able to decipher social situations. Before you know it, she’ll likely be coaching her friends through their emotional experiences.
Likewise, creating an environment of mutual respect and cooperation takes time and patience. Once you understand how children’s brain are wired for survival and how to disarm the lower brain, where instinct reigns, to engage higher thinking, you’ll likely have a more peaceful, pleasant household.
Feel free to leave a comment or ask a question.
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Stay tuned for Part 2 in the Brain Friendly Ways to Cooperation series entitled “How to Use Poor Behavior to Create a Peaceful Home”
Best wishes on your parenting journey,
Trish Wilkinson
Co-author Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It, K – 5
References
June 30. 2017. Simmons, J. G., O. S. Schwartz, K. Bray, C. Deane, E. Pozzi, S. Richmond, J. Smith . “Study Protocol: Families and Childhood Transitions Study (FACTS) – A Longitudinal Investigation of the Role of the Family Environment in Brain Development and Risk for Mental Health Disorders in Community Based Children.” BMC Pediatrics 17, no. 153 (June 30). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12887-017-0905-x.
April 21, 2016. Matsudaira, Izumi, Susumu Yokota, Teruo Hashimoto, Hikaru Takeuchi, Kohei Asano, Michiko Asano, Yuko Sassa, Yasuyuki Taki, and Ryuta Kawashima. 2016. “Parental Praise Correlates with Posterior Insular Cortex Gray Matter Volume in Children and Adolescents.” PLoS ONE 11, no. 4 (April 21): e0154220. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0154220.
Feb. 14, 2018. Psychological Science. Beyond the 30-Million-Word Gap: Children’s Conversational Exposure is Associated with Language-Related Brain Function. Rachel R. Romeo, Julia A. Leonard, Sydney T. Robinson, Martin R. West, Allyson P. Mackey, Meredith L. Rowe, John D. E. Gabrieli. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797617742725
- BMC Public Health. Bedtime routines child wellbeing & development. Kitsaras G, Goodwin M, Allan J, Kelly MP, Pretty IA. 2018;18:386. doi:10.1186/s12889-018-5290-3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5861615/
- American Journal of Public Health. Prevalence of Inadequate Hydration Among US Children and Disparities by Gender and Race/Ethnicity: National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, 2009–2012. Erica L. Kenney, Michael W. Long, Angie L. Cradock, Steven L. Gortmaker. e1 DOI: 10.2105/AJPH.2015.302572
October 2014. Pediatrics. Effects of the FITKids Randomized Controlled Trial on Executive Control and Brain Function. Charles H. Hillman, Matthew B. Pontifex, Darla M. Castelli, Naiman A. Khan, Lauren B. Raine, Mark R. Scudder, Eric S. Drollette, Robert D. Moore, Chien-Ting Wu, Keita Kamijo Pediatrics Oct 2014, 134 (4) e1063-e1071; DOI: 10.1542/peds.2013-3219
