Most of us worry, at some point, about how our children will grow up and fare on their own someday—especially in this age of boomerang children (Deloitte 2019). We all know people with kids who have left the nest, floundered in trying to take care of themselves, and have had to come back home, regroup, and hopefully venture out to try again.
When our kids are little, they depend on us for food, shelter, safety, clothing, comfort, and to get them from place to place.
As they get older, it can be hard to strike a balance between what we do for our children and what we guide them to do for themselves. It gets especially difficult when we’re busy and rushed. We’ll likely get to their swimming lessons on time if we clean up the breakfast dishes and gather the towels for our kids. If we wait for them to do those things, chances are, they’ll make us late.
But we want our children to grow into confident adults who can support themselves and enjoy healthy interpersonal relationships, right? We’ll make life a lot easier for our kids in the long-run, and we’ll enjoy their contributions to the household, if we provide opportunities for them to take on responsibilities. So let’s make it easy with these six steps.
6 Steps to Developing Kids’ Independence
- Assess where your children’s sense of autonomy is right now.
As you know, all kids are different. You’ll find more success if you assign responsibilities according to each child’s maturity.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do your kids pick up after themselves, or have you been cleaning up after them lately? If you find yourself doing the tidying, consider how to direct each child to be responsible for cleaning up their own messes.
Ideas to get kids cleaning: sing a song during clean up; challenge them to put everything away by the time you count to 5 or 10, and give high-fives when the job is done; mark a chart to give points toward something they want to earn—a trip to the park or public pool.
Do you mostly plan your children’s time, or do you collaborate? You’ll get more buy-in if you work together to decide on the family schedule. Then when your kids get tired of an activity, you can remind them that they chose to play basketball, or whatever, and they have to keep their commitment to finish the season.
Do you allow your kids to play on their own—in a room or the backyard—somewhere safe where they can be autonomous and creative? Studies show that unstructured play helps kids develop creativity, social skills, self-confidence (Adams et al. 2016), and even improves eyesight (Wu et al. 2013).
Do you do most of the family chores yourself—meal planning, grocery shopping, assembling meals, laundry, housekeeping, yard work—or do your kids routinely contribute?
My husband and I did quite a few things to support our kids in developing their independence, and they are intelligent, self-assured twenty-somethings today. But sometimes, we were guilty of doing too many chores. For example, we taught our kids how to do the laundry, but it seemed exhausting to make sure the clothes were folded properly each week and things were put away in the right places.
The habit never got established, and our kids muddled through early adulthood, often wearing dirty clothes, until friends re-taught them how to operate a washer and dryer, and how much soap to use.
Parents are human. Our kids survived our mistakes, and yours will too. Ours were just a little stinky for a while before they sought help from their peers.
Think about tasks your children can do for themselves to develop confidence in their intelligence and abilities. Then . . .
- Communicate and brainstorm.
Tell each child how excited you are that they’ve grown big enough to do more things now.
Brainstorm tasks your kids think they can do for themselves and for the family and jot down everyone’s ideas.
If you’d like some ideas, see that great age-appropriate chore chart by Jessica Leib from The B Keeps Us Honest.
- Motivate your children to want to do more on their own.
Make each chore a privilege—a job you TRUST your child to do now that he’s older and wiser.
Some tasks every child will do, such as cleaning up their own messes. During the school year, each child can also make sure their homework is complete, materials are in their backpack, and it’s placed in a predetermined spot before they go to bed at night. Most children can do this as early as kindergarten if you establish a homework ritual together early.
Some items on the brainstormed list will rotate. For instance, in our house, our kids took turns helping to prepare meals or set and clear the table.
Other chores your kids may chose as their job (one of our kids took out the trash and the other picked up the mail).
- Make a chart together.
List the brainstormed tasks, who has agreed to do each one, and on which days of the week.
Your children may all be involved in some tasks, though. Grocery shopping was more of an outing than a chore in our family. The kids were in charge of choosing produce (which, FYI, eventually got both of them to enjoy eating vegetables). They also retrieved other items on the list, emptied the cart onto the conveyor belt, and they helped put the groceries back into the basket. Then they helped load the bags into the car, carry the bags into the house, and put away the food. We enjoyed playing games together at the store, in the car, and in the kitchen while we were at it.
(See Brain Stages for all kinds of games to play with your children to make everyday tasks fun and bring you closer.)
- Establish a communication station.
Keep track of everyone in your house at once!
In another post, I showed how to create a central area for family communication.
Establishing a specific location and developing the habit now for your kids to note their events on the family calendar will be even more important in the middle and high school years. Kids can begin as early as preschool writing symbols to convey their dance or swimming lessons for the week in their own color. As they get older, they can write words.
Each child will learn to take responsibility for remembering their events. They’ll also learn to read more quickly to know what’s going on that week, and they’ll have an incentive to practice writing.
- Acknowledge your kids—and your partner.
When your children contribute to the family, thank them for their efforts, even when they’re just doing the expected chores.
I mentioned above that I did most of the laundry, but what I didn’t say is whenever I delivered folded clothes to my husband, he thanked me for washing them. Our kids picked up on his gratitude and thanked me for their clean clothes too.
My husband cooked most of our dinners and our children took turns being his sous chef in the kitchen. We always cheered for whomever prepared our family evening meal and thanked whoever cleaned up as well. It turns out people like doing things for each other when they feel appreciated. In fact, learning how to be grateful offers our kids, and ourselves, a happier life (Stoerkel 2019).
Watch what happens when you show gratitude for one another’s “normal” contributions!
If I haven’t convinced you yet how supporting your children in becoming independent humans will benefit both you and your kids, check out this excellent post by Mandy Youtz of The Well and Balanced Mom.
How do you handle chores in your house? What kinds of things do your kids do for themselves?
Do you have a question or predicament?
Leave a comment. I’ll happily respond within 24 hours. 😉
Best wishes on your journey to raising responsible, capable kids!
Trish Wilkinson
Coauthor Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It, K-5
References
2019. The Deloitte Global Millennial Survey: Optimism, trust reach troubling low levels https://www2.deloitte.com/global/en/pages/about-deloitte/articles/millennialsurvey.html
2016. UMKC School of Education’s Edgar L. and Rheta A. Berkley Child and Family Development Center in Collaboration with UMKC Nursing Students. The Importance of Outdoor Play and Its Impact on Brain Development in Children. Christy Adams, Claire Donnelly, Kelly Johnson, Brooke Payne, Austin Slagle, and Sara Stewart
- Ophthalmology. Outdoor activity during class recess reduces myopia onset and progression in school children. Wu P.-C., Tsai C.-L., Wu H.-L., Yang Y.-H., Kuo H.-K. 120 (5), pp. 1080-1085.
2019. Positive Psychology. The Science and Research on Gratitude and Happiness. Erika Stoerkel. https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-happiness-research/
