6 Ways to Build Kids’ Independence–and Confidence

When we build kids’ independence, they feel competent to do things for themselves, which gives them confidence.

Today’s parents have less trust in society than parents of the 1970s. I’ll never forget my mom reminding me to: “Come home when the streetlights come on!” as I ran out the door.

As long as my homework was done, I had the freedom to take off with neighborhood friends for hours—without a cell phone.

Our world has changed a lot.

Nowadays, we keep close tabs on our kids via internet nannies and texts on cell phones. We don’t want to be the parent who loses track of our kids, online or otherwise. But children need autonomy to grow into healthy adults.

And taking actions out of their hands because we can do something quicker or better is a lost opportunity to build kids’ independence. Also cushioning consequences of an “idea gone wrong” to keep our kids from getting hurt causes more harm than good.

Kids need to learn how to make good decisions for themselves.

Children’s autonomy means making their own choices and taking responsibility for their actions. This develops their prefrontal cortex for better thinking and eventually equips them to live in the big wide world.

Like it or not, our job as parents, if we want to raise successful kids, is to eventually work ourselves out of a job.

After all, our children must develop the confidence and skills to live on their own someday.

Our 20-something children call it “adulting”. They’ve thanked us often for giving them opportunities to do things for themselves growing up. Some of their friends are really struggling with how to do this “adulting” thing.

Don’t worry. If you help your kids build independence now, you’ll likely evolve into great friends when they become adults.

Show me how to Solve almost any issue with my family!

Here are 6 simple ways to help your kids build independence.

1. Give choices.

Offering choices provides an opportunity for kids to feel their opinions matter and helps them grow into consistently making good decisions.

The choice can be as simple as “Would you like two chocolate chip cookies, two peanut butters, or one of each?”

-or-

“Would you rather wear your jeans or the black pants today?”

Sometimes in our house, we gave choices like: “You can ask for help in a respectful tone, or you can handle this problem on your own.”

Any time you can offer a choice instead of making a decision for your child, you build autonomy and give them the opportunity to work the thinking areas of the brain.

2. **Acknowledge your child’s struggle and offer a way for them to work through it.**

For example, instead of opening a box for your child, you could say, “Getting a box open can be tricky.”

Then, either tell your child how to reposition their hands, or physically move their hands in a better position to open the flaps and say: “Try that.”

Today your child learns how to open a box—tomorrow they plan out how to earn the money to buy a car and pay for insurance! Building children’s autonomy make take longer initially, but you’ll save LOTS of time when your kids get good at doing things for themselves.

3. Let your child initiate the conversation.

The next time you see your child after an activity, try a nice greeting and resist the temptation to follow up with a question.

You’re likely to get an unsatisfying answer, anyway, like “fine” or “good” when you ask: “How was school?” or “Did you have fun at the party?”

Try saying something like: “Good to see you!” when they get in the car.

– or –

“Hey, you’re home!” when they walk in the door.

Then focus your attention on your child and wait for a response.

To clarify: Make an observation—then listen.

That way, your child gets to lead the conversation.

A simple, positive statement and your full attention will likely get your child to offer more details about their school day or their friend’s party.

A huge part of children’s healthy brain development depends on how safe and seen they feel with their parents. Studies show, without that safety and attention, it’s hard for kids to build healthy independence.

4. Before answering a question, ask what your child thinks.

Usually when kids ask questions, they’ve already been mulling over ideas about the subject.

Asking our kids’ opinions engages their brains, shows respect for their intelligence, and encourages communication.

Does that mean you can never answer your child’s questions? Of course not, especially if they seem bewildered or confused.

Just let them share first before offering information so they learn to think before making decisions.

5. Encourage your kids to find their own answers.

Another great way to grow kids into independent thinkers is to ask where they might find out something they’re curious about.

Like when our daughter wanted to know how to clean Alice’s (our dog’s) teeth.

I said: “Hmm. I wonder who we could ask that might know that?”

“Tomorrow is library day at school. I’ll get a book about dogs,” she said. then . . . “Ooh. I could call the vet!

Then. . . “Wait. I bet Dr. Eko will know.” (That one made me laugh, but who knows? Maybe their pediatrician knew tons about cleaning dogs’ teeth.)

In the end, she said, “I know, Google will find the answer for me,” and she rushed to the computer in my husband’s home office.

The point is, children feel accomplished when they find their own answers, which builds confidence!

The next time your child asks a question, see if you can resist giving an answer and support them in a quest to satisfy their curiosity.

6. Allow your children to have their fantasies and dreams.

Kids can come up with big, even outrageous-sounding ideas. Then the grown-ups in their lives, often without meaning to, suck the air from their enthusiasm.

A large percentage of kids’ ideas are just fantasies—good practice for brainstorming and creativity.

Let it be okay for an idea to seem out of reach.

Sometimes adults try to protect kids by telling them not to get their hopes up—or we laugh at ideas that seem ridiculous.

(I wonder if Bill Gates’ parents thought his idea to put computers in every home was ridiculous.)

When I was in ninth grade, I told my mom I was trying out for the lead in the school play. “Rock ‘N’ Roll” was a musical set in the 1950s. I loved to sing and dance, so I thought, why not? Being in the play could be fun!

She said, “Oh, well, try not to be too disappointed if you don’t get the part. There is a lot of competition for those things. Just do your best, okay?”

Mom was trying to protect me from disappointment.

Please don’t do that to your children.

When kids tell us their big plans, it’s best to just acknowledge them.

In this case, my mom could have said, “So, you’re trying out for the lead in the play. That should be an interesting experience.”

A word of caution: Pay attention to your tone.

You want to sound interested and supportive, without judgement.

If your child comes home looking sad after presenting something they thought would turn out well, mention an observation and wait for them to talk.

Like: “Ah, you seem disappointed.” Then wait for them to talk.

When they start to explain, acknowledge them with a sound or word, like “Mmm” or “Oh,” so they know you’re listening.

Getting your kids in the habit of talking through their feelings is great for their mental health.

In case you wondered, I landed that part in the play—and I almost didn’t try out for it because my mom had tried to protect me!