Is your partner attentive? Do your kids respond the first time you ask them to do something? Would you like more cooperation and respect in your family — and even in your work life? It’s all about family communication, but it may not be what you think.
I used to get so frustrated when I would come home from work, start taking about something that happened that day, and my husband would grunt here and there, but I could tell he was only half listening.
Or I’d ask one of the kids to do something, and they would usually move to respond on the second or third time, when my voice would get louder and harsher.
The first time, you may not have heard me. Twice, there’s a good chance you know I’m talking, but you’re not listening. A third time, my patience would get wafer-thin or run out.
Then I learned a trick in one of the many books I read to improve our family communication, which worked great at work with my colleagues and my students too. I think the book was How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Tell the Person What You Notice
Whenever possible, instead of walking into a room and launching a story about something that happened that day or making a demand of my kids (or students), I would observe something about someone in the room.
“Hi. Good to see you. Hey, you look thoughtful.” Then I would wait.
Most humans, even the quietest kids (and adults), will fill the silence.
Then Practice Active Listening.
What is active listening? It’s giving someone your full attention. It’s nodding to show understanding and responding with sounds to show you’re present. It’s resisting the urge to interrupt and allow the person to finish their thoughts.
Once you have heard what’s on their mind, and you truly listen to them and respond, you will not only learn more than you can imagine, but you will create trust (often subliminally), by giving them respect.
When you respond to what they say, the person will pay the same respect by actively listening to you.
They will usually cooperate when you get around to sharing about your day or need to ask them to do something.
My husband and I started having much better conversations. I learned so much about our kids, and they began doing things the first time they were asked. I was astounded!
Even better, I noticed them saying similar things to each other. “Hi. Hey, you look upset.” And they would listen to the response.
I saw the kids in my class saying things like, “Hi. Hey, you look excited.”
Learning to observe my colleagues at work and listen improved my relationships with them too.
Making this one change in our family communication made all the difference.
Try observing the people in your life and mention what notice about someone in a kind, attentive way. Wait for them to respond, listen attentively, and see what happens!
Have you already tried this? If so, what happened? Please tell us about it in a comment. Do you have another communication tip that has worked for you? We’d love for you to share that too!
If you would like a bit of direction or to address a personal circumstance, feel free to schedule a complimentary 30-minute call with me, and we’ll figure it out together. 😉
Pick a convenient time for you to have a conversation here.
Best wishes on your parenting journey,
Trish Wilkinson
Coach, Speaker, Coauthor Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It Founder Brain Stages Parenting
