“Do-overs” are a great way to teach kids resilience because we allow them to “fix” mistakes immediately as well as learn to forgive others. If you’re already granting “do-overs”, bravo! If not, you’re about to learn a powerful tool!
Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back?
Most of us have accidentally hurt someone’s feelings at some point. When we get triggered, and cortisol or norepinephrine kick in, our brains get hijacked. We may not catch ourselves in time before we say or do something we regret.
One of the most powerful tools in teaching kids about resilience is to help them understand that mistakes are often how we learn.
And EVERYONE makes mistakes.
Whether a mistake is ours or someone else’s, a “do-over” offers the ability to re-start—before a situation gets out of hand.
A “do-over” allows for immediate forgiveness and for the person to set something right that had been headed off the rails.
So, how do we introduce the concept of a “do-over” to our children?
Follow the steps below a couple of times, and it will become easy.
4 Steps to Get Started with “Do-Overs”
1. When you say something that you wish you hadn’t, or you wish you’d used a kinder tone, ask for a “Do-over”.
Example: “Can I have a do-over, please?”
2. Explain that a “do-over” is a way to give someone a chance to apologize and start over in a nicer way.
Something like: “I’m sorry. That sounded crabby. Let me try again. I want to say what I want to tell you in a kind way.”
3. Restate what you want to communicate in a way that the other person will feel respected, not judged or attacked.
Example: “I feel frustrated when dirty dishes appear in the sink after I’ve just cleaned the kitchen. After we use dishes, they go in the dishwasher, right? What can we do about that?”
Sometimes, you’ll find that your child will begin to fix the problem before you even finish talking.
4. When your child snaps at you, ask your child if they would like a “do-over”.
Emotions sometimes cause children to say something disrespectful or use a cranky tone with us. Those emotions are often rooted in fear.
Their fight, flight, or freeze hormones hijack their brains. They end up saying and doing things they wish they hadn’t.
Inviting a child to stop, take a deep breath, and try out a “do-over” allows them to get their emotions under control. They can apologize and try to explain what’s on their minds in a more respectful way.
We teach kids resilience when they learn how to get past their fears, and “do-overs” provide the brain safety to help children do just that.
A parent I know has even learned how to be successful at “do-overs” between her and her two-year-old!
All is forgiven, and kids begin to learn how to be much more effective in getting their needs met.
Practice these steps several times, and your kids or students will begin to ASK for “do-overs”.
AND they will offer “do-overs” to others.
The interesting thing is that sometimes you won’t realize you needed a “do-over” when a child offers you one.
You’ll avoid misinterpretations and hard feelings you didn’t see coming. 😉
So, the next time you get upset and start on a negative trajectory, take a breath and ask for a “do-over”. In my experience, kids love this concept. They appreciate adults showing them respect in this way.
Kids also like being forgiven and getting a chance to set things right as well as learning how to forgive others.
Watching you “redo” your communication allows them to forgive themselves when they make a mistake.
When you teach kids resilience in this way, you allow them to let go of past experiences as well as being able to sort out a problem that was created in the moment.
Of course, if you have questions or you would like support in setting up the “do-over” tool at home or in your classroom (or you have any other situation to run by me), I’m here to help.
You can schedule a conversation with me here.
I promise I won’t bite. . . unless you taste like chocolate. Then you might be in trouble. 😉
Best possible wishes,
Trish Wilkinson
Founder of Brain Stages Parenting and Education
