I’m excited to write this post. Lately parents have been expressing concern for their kids saying things like “I’m so stupid!” or “I suck at math.”
— or making friends, singing, playing basketball, or whatever they’re struggling with.
Negative self-talk can have lasting consequences.
Our brains are wired to remember in layers. Short-term memory lasts just long enough to choose the matching answer in a multiple-choice test question after we’ve worked out a problem on scratch paper. It can be improved up to 30 percent in a couple weeks!
On the other hand, concepts we need longer go from short-term memory in the prefrontal cortex, to the caudate nucleus, and sent to the hippocampus. The hippocampi are the big shots for learning. They send input to specific areas in the cerebral cortex for deeper memory and later use.
Most of the time, this shift to long-term memory is a good thing. The shift makes information available to apply to the new things we learn. We grow in understanding for all kinds of subjects and skills.
Unfortunately, sometimes we make a decision as a result of an experience that creates a limiting belief.
The emotion your child feels causes the hippocampi to send that belief directly to the cerebral cortex. Without intervention, that belief could influence every similar experience to follow and last a lifetime.
For instance, your child wrestles with an area of math, such as word problems. After grappling with a problem and finally coming up with an answer, it turns out the answer is incorrect.
“I’m not good at math,” your child says.
A belief has formed. Without intervention, this belief influences every word problem math experience from that point on. They decide they “don’t get it” before they read a word or story problem and suffer from anxiety whenever they are asked to solve one.
This worry over solving such problems expands to the belief that they can’t work out issues that come up in life because they “aren’t good at coming up with solutions.”
But limiting beliefs can be exposed and replaced with empowering beliefs for a completely different outcome!
So, how do we help our kids discover their limiting beliefs so they can discover the TRUTH and shift their thinking?
Imagine the difference it will make in your child’s future when you can help them catch their negative self-talk and shift their mindset in a way that will serve them!
I’m going to put on my “coach hat” and show you how to redirect your child’s thinking in a positive direction!
The trick is to listen attentively and use the five steps below.
This process takes some practice, but WOW is this powerful!
In one-on-one coaching, I do this for parents. It’s amazing the limiting beliefs parents discover and replace with empowering truths for transformative success moving forward.
The negative decisions we make early in life not only affect our self-image, but they impact our success at work as well as relationships with our friends, partners, and our kids.
With my clients, I not only walk them through the steps below, we practice the steps with their children to expose their limiting beliefs.
Once we’ve practiced with their kids a few times, their kids often begin noticing their own limiting beliefs. They ask their parents for help to create a new belief. Sometimes, they even start creating new, empowering beliefs on their own!
Talk about an amazing gift to give your kids, right?
5 Steps to Teaching Kids Positive Self-Talk
1. You notice your child’s struggle, and you identify their limiting belief.
Your child might do something obvious.
They slam their fist on the table and yell, “I’m terrible at math!
They come home wearing a frown. You say: “You look sad” and wait for them to respond. They burst into sobs and blurt: “Nobody likes me!”
The tendency is for us as caregivers or parents to say, “Oh, that isn’t true.”
OR
“Lots of people like you! Why would you say that?”
Denying what your child says isn’t helpful. They think you don’t understand. And asking “WHY” about anything puts people on the defensive – kids and adults.
Instead say: “Hmm. What make’s you say that?”
Then listen.
That small shift – from why to what – allows space for an honest answer.
Defenses don’t shoot up. The question sounds curious rather than confrontational and dismissive of their feelings.
Your genuine interest will put your child’s mind in the safety zone so they CAN tell you what’s on their mind. You’ll be able to identify their limiting belief together – they stink at math, they can’t catch a ball, nobody likes them, or whatever.
But what do you do when your child’s struggle is more subtle?
There’s no drama. They simply avoid doing homework.
Start with telling your child what you notice: “I haven’t seen any math homework lately.” Then wait for a response.
If they say they’re doing fine and don’t elaborate, tell them you’d like to see what they’re working on. Have them go get their book or their e-tablet and show you what they’ve been doing.
[FYI, If your kids are in elementary school, you can boost math confidence by playing simple, fun games to practice most math concepts in Brain Stages.]
OR
Your child stops asking to spend time with a friend, and they spend most of their free time alone in their room.
Say: “I noticed you haven’t been talking about so-and-so lately.” Then listen.
[You’ll also find lots of how-tos to help kids navigate social situations in Brain Stages]
Once you identify your child’s struggle – they’ve decided they’re terrible at math or they can’t get along with people, or whatever comes out of your conversation – you can . . .
2. Help your child figure out where that belief came from.
You say something like: “Hmm. Think about the first time you remember feeling that way. Think about where you were, and who you were talking to, and tell me about that.”
This may take a little gentle probing but stay present. Hold the space for them to reveal where the belief came from – the decision they made from a particular circumstance that keeps playing out.
Once you know where the belief came from you can . . .
3. Help them process the belief so they can let it go.
Bad at math: You child tells you someone teased them for getting the wrong answer in class. The teacher said something, and they interpreted what the teacher said to mean math just wasn’t their subject. They worked hard to study for a test and ended up with a bad grade . . .
No one likes them: A friend got mad at them and won’t talk to them anymore. Their best friend is spending all their time with someone else, and they can’t find anyone to play with or hang out with them now.
Show your child how you can see where the belief came from.
Then give them specific examples to show them their belief isn’t true.
Math: They figured out how to divvy up a treat evenly with their brother or sister or their friends. They’re good at building things with Legos, which is geometry. They like to help with cooking, and measuring ingredients is math.
Friends: Your child is good at sharing toys and treats with others and saying kind words to people. Your child is a good friend.
Then ask: “Is it true that [limiting belief], or did you decide that because of that experience?”
Note: This step often requires patience. Sometimes it takes several gentle questions, being present, and holding the space for them to come to the realization that the decision they made came from an experience. Their belief is not the truth.
Once your child begins to see that their belief may not be real . . .
4. Help your child forgive both themselves and whomever they feel fostered their limiting belief.
Forgiveness can be a tricky thing – for both adults and kids – but it’s hard to move on without it.
My husband likes to say: “Fix the problem, not the blame.” Our family has found this to be great advice.
Our children need to understand that forgiving someone doesn’t excuse or condone something someone did that hurt them.
Kids also need to be supported in forgiving themselves for taking on a limiting belief that has held them back.
Sometimes, once kids see the truth of how they are loveable and capable human beings, they get stuck in wanting to beat themselves up for what they have unnecessarily put themselves through.
Forgiveness is letting go. When we get stuck over something someone has said or done, or something we have done, we give up our power to move forward.
We need to explain to our children how limiting beliefs happen as a result of our brains wanting to protect us from further hurt. Identifying limiting beliefs is exciting because it means we can let those go and . . .
5. Help your kids create a new belief that will serve them moving forward.
Examples:
When they get stuck on a math problem or have trouble with a new concept, the message to tell themselves:
I’m actually good at math. I’m just learning how to do this, and I’ll get good at it soon.
Trouble with friends:
I’m a good person and a good friend.
If they’re in preschool or elementary school, they can try out activities with different groups at recess.
In middle or high school, they can look for people with similar interests – check out clubs and other groups that get together on campus.
[Note: Social issues are trickier for ages 11 – 18. Be patient and keep your communication safe, open, and ongoing.]
Once you come up with empowering beliefs, practice mindfulness with your kids to help them visualize their new beliefs in action.
Figuring out my own limiting beliefs so I could create empowering ones took a while for me. It’s amazing what is possible when we expose those mindsets that don’t serve us.
My kids were lucky. I didn’t learn any of this until I was an adult. I hope you’ll try out this process — and your kids will be lucky too!
If you would like support in helping your child or children dispel limiting beliefs to create new, empowering ones – or if you would like to uncover your own and replace them with beliefs that can transform your life, schedule a complimentary 30-minute call with me.
You’ll come away with at least one or two specific tools you can use right now. We’ll also talk about options for working together to transform whatever issues you and/or your family may be experiencing.
Best wishes on your parenting journey,
Trish Wilkinson, Parent coach, speaker, coauthor Brain Stages
