In my travels for workshops and in parent coaching, people often ask me: How can I help my kids with anxiety?
In recent years, stressed out kids have become extremely common.
We raised an anxious child. Now she has tools and enjoys a great personal and professional life. When she was little, though, she cried a lot and fear stopped her from trying new things.
The Mayo Clinic defines anxiety disorders as frequent, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations . . . often involving episodes of sudden feelings of terror that reach a peak within minutes (mayoclinic.org 2018).
But there are many levels of anxiety.
Many of us have children who may not panic, but their nervousness over school projects, social situations, or others’ expectations can make them miserable.
Our kids may get stomach or headaches before tests or events. Some have trouble sleeping. Fear might keep them from doing things they would enjoy.
We want to help. But how?
Try these 5 research-based, experience proven, practical ways to help your anxious child feel better and live a productive life.
1. Put a positive spin on communication.
Positive communication is less likely to trigger anxiety. A Dutch study found that until children are about 11 years old, they don’t process negatives well. That is, when you say words like “No” and “Don’t” there is little reaction in the thinking areas of their brains on an MRI. Scientists think this is because negatives require more steps to process and understand.
In other words, we get much better cooperation when we tell kids what TO DO instead of what not to do.
This is true for ALL ages, but especially for children under 11.
Life coaches and sports coaches tell people of all ages to think in positive commands.
Saying: “I will get all, or most, of my homework done in an hour or less” processes in our brains more effectively than “Don’t get distracted. You have to get your homework done.”
(A timer can be really helpful if you have a child who struggles with homework.)
Which communication do you think will make your child less anxious?
“You know you’re not allowed to play video games before your homework is done.”
-or-
“Oops. It looks like you forgot to do your homework before playing video games. If you need a mental break, take the dog for a walk, and then start on your homework.”
(NOTE: If your child needs time to relax before doing homework, make sure they do something that doesn’t include a screen. Instead, have them do something that boosts brainpower, like ten minutes of exercise—dancing to some music, jumping rope, or taking a walk around the block.)
Once you consciously think of ways to give directions and communicate in positives, you’ll find your anxious child listens better, and the tension will decrease in your home overall.
2. Explain the purpose for anxiety and that this is a normal emotion.
Children often think something is wrong with them because they feel anxious. Let your child know that a certain amount of worrying is normal—everybody does it occasionally.
A bit of worry is the brain’s way of reminding us to prepare for something.
We might stress about practicing a skill or sport before we have to perform—or finding information for a group project or studying for an upcoming test.
This is our brain’s way of helping us to do a great job on whatever part we play in a situation or event.
A word of caution: Remember, brains are all about safety.
Sometimes those butterflies warn us that the way someone is treating us needs to be addressed. If your child seems anxious about going to a friend’s house or day care, or before a recurring activity, even if your child historically stresses, pay attention to the source of anxiety.
It’s easy to get desensitized to our kids’ declaring they don’t want to do something or go someplace if they tend to worry a lot. But our brains are wired to protect us.
Do a little fact finding before you disregard your child’s fear.
3. Empathize with your child.
Instead, acknowledge fears and explain that it’s okay to feel anxious.
The important thing is to learn to do things in spite of anxieties so we can take advantage of opportunities that arise. Once we realize our anxiety isn’t a healthy fear meant to keep us out of trouble, doing things when we feel a bit frightened builds character.
Help your child view an uncomfortable situation as an opportunity to learn, grow, and become stronger.
4. Explain that mistakes and failures are often gifts.
Check out a book from the library about inventors. Most have stories of multiple failures before the inventor came up with a solution to a problem that worked.
Share some of your own failures or mistakes that have resulted in you learning something valuable.
Applaud your child when mistakes are made and ask what can be learned from the experience.
When positive feedback results from our kids’ mishaps, they feel less afraid to be less than perfect.
5. Brainstorm together possible ways your child can meet a fear.
Some ways we worked through our daughter’s anxiety:
After you practice this with your kids a few times with a hand on your heart and your eyes closed, try breathing without your hand on your chest. Just focus on your breath raising your chest, and keep your eyes open.
Then try deep breathing in public when you or your child get stressed. You and your kids can use this tool anywhere, anytime because you can do it without being noticed. The pause and extra oxygen to the brain is often soothing and helps kids to think more clearly.
We would exaggerate what would happened if they failed a test—joke about ridiculous things like Alice, our golden retriever might bite them if they brought home an F.
Remember, before kids are 11 years old, they think in black and white terms, so their eyes may go wide at first. Then I would say something like: “Can you imagine Alice biting you for any reason? Even if you totally blow it on this test, you’ll survive, and we’ll deal with it. Now let’s take a deep breath . . .”
Pretend to be the kid that your child is struggling with at school or on the soccer team. Practicing conversations to give ideas for how to handle a situation will teach social skills and give your child confidence to stand up for themself.
If your child has trouble with a teacher or other adult, practice respectful things to say to get their needs met.
It helped our anxious child a lot for us to do activities on a predictable schedule, and we warned her of changes. This took some of the anxiety out of the day for her. As she got older, she became more flexible.
Choose specific locations to store homework, sports equipment, or other regularly used materials to reduce anxiety about finding things when they’re needed.
A little organization went a long way toward helping our anxious child to worry less.
Help your child note when they feel anxious. A pattern for situations that spark nervousness is bound to surface. Ask questions to help your child recognize the things that trip the cortisol (stress hormone) release in their brain.
And please share this post with your friends!
Best wishes on your parenting journey,
Trish Wilkinson
Coauthor Brain Stages: How to Raise Smart, Confident Kids and Have Fun Doing It Founder Brain Stages Parenting
