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Show Kids How to Shift Arguments to Conflict Resolution

It feels SO good to watch your child work through a conflict with a friend, where they come up with a resolution on their own, and both are happy!

I love sharing how to shift arguments to conflict resolutions with kids.

When I learned to do this with my kids, I also used the skills in this post to improve my relationships with my partner and coworkers too!

This could happen for YOU as well!

Welcome to Part 6 (of 6) in the Brain Stages Social and Emotional Learning series.

If you missed a previous post or posts, you can click on the links below.

This is the final post in this series to support toddlers through teens in developing emotionally and socially for success in today’s world.

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up, adults just let kids argue and “work things out” on their own.

This can be great for developing problem solving skills and independence. . .

Except I didn’t have any TOOLS.

That was a disaster for me.

My attention issues (ADHD, though I’m not deficient, nor disordered—my brain just works differently than the mainstream), slowed my social maturity.

Translation: An argument with a friend often devolved into a shouting match.

I needed help to develop positive communication skills.

In fact, most kids need tools for effective, positive communication.

All they need is practice with a few simple tools.

Then there are the adults who try to solve kids’ conflicts for them.

Meddling in our kids’ conflicts causes more harm than good for two reasons:

First, kids come to believe they can’t peacefully resolve conflicts on their own.

Which makes sense because . . .

Second, when people step in to fix kids’ problems, those kids don’t develop the skills they need to solve their own issues.

So, how do we support kids in learning to resolve their own conflicts—in a way where everyone feels good about the resolution?

1. Take a pause.

Model taking a few deep breaths when you get frustrated, annoyed, or angry.

These emotions cause the secretion of cortisol and other stress hormones. Our brain produces these hormones when it senses the need to protect us.

This means our brain’s response is designed to get us out of trouble—at all costs.

Unfortunately, this fight, flight, or freeze thing often gets us into more trouble.

We think less rationally and strategically because our emotions have practically shut down the thinking areas in our brain.

This seems to be the opposite of what we need in the face of a conflict.

We need our brainpower shifted to the thinking areas so we can resolve whatever has bothered us.

Taking a little break in the form of a few deep breaths gives our brain the time and space to dissipate the fight, flight, or freeze hormones for clearer thinking.

When you get frustrated, annoyed, or angry and take a few deep breaths, explain WHY the breaths help you to your kids.

Then practice “taking a pause” with your child or children before the next time someone gets upset.

If you’ve had a little practice, when you remind your child to breathe in the midst of a conflict, they’ll understand the request without feeling judged.

2. Teach active listening.

Listening can be a tough one—not only for most children in a disagreement but for many of us.

I’ve coached several families where everyone wants to talk at once—parents and kids alike. This means no one can hear what anyone is saying.

In times like these, we choose an object for a family member to hold—a ball, a doll, a toy car, or whatever is available. No one is allowed to talk except the person holding the object.

Model restating what the other person has said so they know you have heard and understood them.

After you’ve modeled listening to someone (maybe your child) and restating what they said in a few situations, bring this technique to your child’s attention.

Then coach them in how to truly listen to others instead of thinking about what they will say next.

Teaching your children HOW to be a good listener will give your kids a HUGE ADVANTAGE in every area of life.

3. Use neutral “I” statements.

Model how to use neutral “I” statements after some deep breaths and active listening where you restate what the other person has said.

I say neutral I statements because sometimes kids can get upset and stop listening when we say: “I feel bad when you …

Don’t get me wrong. “I feel disrespected when you point out my mistakes to other people” is better than saying, “Quit pointing out my mistakes. That’s so rude!”

But it’s most effective to use a neutral I statement like:

“I feel uncomfortable when people point out my mistakes in front of others.”

Then ask a question, something like:

“Do you think you could say, ‘Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?’ and pull me aside to tell me?”

[We had a highly gifted, very observant child who used to call us out in public settings when we’d made a mistake in her view. Sometimes this could be helpful—other times, not so much.]

4. Promote Empathy.

Practice “walking in someone else’s shoes” out loud when you get upset with someone else.

Example: “I’m so tired of people asking me for money. We wouldn’t be able to buy food if I gave to everyone who asked me contribute to their favorite charity. But this cause must be really important to them, or they wouldn’t put so much time into it. I’m glad there are people willing to help raise money for that organization.”

Then, when your child gets impatient with someone, ask them how they might feel in that person’s situation.

Help them to see that often when people do things, what we see isn’t the whole story.

Learning to give people grace when they make mistakes helps kids be more patient with themselves. If kids don’t have to be perfect, they have the freedom to be curious and explore.

Learning to give people grace is a WIN/WIN!

5. Use a problem-solving process.

Come up with a system as a family to solve problems in a positive way. The idea is to create resolutions that every family member can buy into and feel good about.

If you don’t have a clear process, you can get this free video that walks you through the sure-fire process we used with our kids. The original form came from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I just modified it a bit to make it even more effective (at least in my experience).

The more you practice these steps for conflict resolution with your kids, the more they will feel it’s the natural way of doing things.

You’ll find they’ll begin to do these things with their siblings and friends.

Ha! You’ll likely notice them taking deep breaths, repeating what they think you just said, and initiating your problem-solving process.

Remember, these skills will take time to develop.

Be patient with yourself and your kids.

The best time to offer guidance is when you are problem solving with them, rather than injecting yourself into a situation your child or children want to resolve.

Offer suggestions on next steps for how your child can resolve the conflict.

Then ask them if they’ve talked to the person or people and tell you what happened.

In other words, be a coach.

And if you have any trouble with this, please schedule a consultation with me.

No judgment—ever!

Someone had to teach us how to tie our shoes and eat with a fork (or chopsticks). Raising and educating our children are the most important jobs in the world. Doesn’t it make sense that most of us could use support on how to raise our kids to be successful adults in today’s complicated world?

(And the first consultation is free.)

Best possible wishes,

Trish Wilkinson

Coauthor Brain Stages, parent coach, speaker, workshop facilitator